On the tribulations of being bipolar 13 January 2026
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I was diagnosed bipolar during my first episode that occurred beyond my forties after a prolonged period of stress where I had to juggle many difficulties within a high stress environment. After my initial diagnosis, I was told two things that bore significance for me: 1 – People are usually diagnosed as bipolar during their childhood, adolescence or early adulthood as a bipolar episode would have happened by then and 2 – The condition is called generally bipolar without distinction while technically, some people are not bipolar but rather unipolar when the depression component lacks in their mood. In my case, the diagnosis was bipolar even though no depression cycle was ever observed by others nor experienced by me. Together with the fact that I had suffered no previous episode before, this led me to believe that perhaps I was wrongly diagnosed but a request for a new diagnosis was not carried out.
Growing up, I had learnt to cover up my autism (a condition that was later identified but initially overlooked) by assimilating external patterns to cover my social inadequacy such as my incapacity to pick up social cues that everyone seemed to be well aware of. At the same time, I had always felt acutely the changes in atmosphere and had a greater ability to sense when people were lying. I had succeeded in fully masking my autism but for some small events where onlookers witnessed OCD-like behaviour together with a heightened desire to have a succession of habits that comforted me and allowed me to function quasi normally within my family or the broader society. With the bipolar element though, it was difficult to just cover up its effects that went beyond mere social inadequacy. I suffered a repeated bipolar episode when I was subjected to another stressful environment and emerging out of it felt like a victory although it felt like I had to reinvent myself all over again under watchful though uncaring eyes.
At my initial bipolar episode, I had little to no support whether socially or professionally and later on, it became obvious that being ill meant you did not survive as nobody around cared so I gritted my teeth and with the help of meditation, relaxation techniques and my energy healing techniques that I had acquired, I carved out a life that would not collapse at the advent of another bipolar episode. I also made sure I continued my medication even when I felt absolutely fine and even through all my sessions of meditation and energy healings. I wanted to ensure I kept the bipolar episodes at bay because, ultimately, if I let go, it would be the end of any normal social or professional life.
After my second bipolar episode - also stress-induced - I realised that not only do most people not care about people with varying mental disabilities, but they also are somehow either afraid of them or consider them to be childlike and thus incapable of restraint. Therefore, their response when meeting someone bipolar, for example, is to either reject them, be wary and refuse to engage with them normally or try to monitor and micro-manage them, whether in a social or professional context. Despite the various sessions organised by institutions to increase awareness about such medical conditions, the tendency to avoid, belittle, smother or exclude continues both in social and professional environments. This makes it harder for people with non-visible disabilities like us bipolars to thrive within these environments as we are already carrying on a battle within ourselves between the need to perform within our social and professional environments and the effects the ostracism of others has upon us.
Nobody sees or knows of this daily battle because it is cloaked within us as we continue to hide from those who still do not know about our condition, hoping that this would lead to a better social and professional outcome. The most awful thing that can happen for someone like us who has such a condition and does not want others to know for fear of reprisal or ostracism, is when the information is leaked despite our best efforts. This happened to me as my condition was leaked to other colleagues, making my interaction with some of them stilted or just leading to ostracism and/or simple rejection. Some started observing me, trying to pick up on every little oddity that I may express so as to speak about this with others. Partnerships caved in, relationships became tense where they once were normal. Others tried to orient me towards what they thought I should do about my condition and some kept trying to monitor me believing that I should be reduced to the level of a child and could not manage my own condition despite the fact I was working with health professionals on a regular basis and was successfully managing my condition.
I kept this within me for a number of years, still keeping my condition under wraps as much as possible, considering the situation I was in. Lately, however, I decided that I should not need to cover up my condition. The fact that institutions and especially managers within those institutions may not be ready to harbour within them an individual with a condition they do not understand should not stop us from owning what we are. Most of us are resilient and have carved a good life for ourselves despite being bipolar or having another non-visible mental condition. There is also linked to the bipolar condition a great potential for tremendous creativity and productivity, especially for those of us who are unipolar as we don’t sink into depression after the phase where we are experiencing a high. I have also talked to other bipolar individuals and we seem to share one interesting fact which is that during our “high phase”, we have no limitations as everything seems possible so we can solve a lot of problems creatively and while others think out of the box to solve/create/innovate, we just think and see no box thereby applying our mind in infinite ways. This might account for my earlier ability to achieve good grades in school and University without the need for assiduity in my studies and could also account for my good results in chess competitions in the past, before I decided to stop competition in order to concentrate on my family life.
When I look at my own experience and that of others whom I have talked to, I believe society has still got a lot to do to catch up on how individuals with hidden disabilities, more specifically mental conditions, should be treated. This would need the schooling system to generate more awareness and empathy for such conditions and for professional institutions as well as faith based entities to promulgate more favourable conditions for people like us, whether bipolar, autistic, or suffering from another mental condition. Raising awareness is definitely a good step in the right direction but beyond the awareness of the condition, institutions need to be aware, themselves, of the negative biases their employees harbour against people with mental conditions and make sure that there are adequate measures to pick this up and put an end to it. It is not enough to explain how such individuals should be treated, including with fairness and openness/inclusion, there should be a measure of how a particular individual may be subject to unfairness and lack of inclusion. Managers should receive appropriate training if it is found that they have individuals with certain mental conditions within their team. In a world where people who are bipolar like us struggle to perform, where we feel that it is more a jungle than a safe space to grow in, we need the institutions we work for to recognise our contribution and keep us safe from those who increasingly attempt to cut us off merely because they do not know how to interact with us or are afraid of us. The future can only be inclusive because it is by our diversity that we make the greatest progress, not by our uniformity.
Peter Gabriel - My body is a cage [Thony Hacket Thorn (Konto Video)]
Adoration of Isis triumph and prosperity 25 November 2025
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Hail to thee Isis in thy might, in thy strength, Mother of every soul on Earth. Rise thou up. Thou goest round Heaven. Thou goest round Earth. I have come to thee Isis. I adore thee. I make an entrance. I have opened the way. I have bandaged the eye of Horus for him. I have poured water upon the cuttings in the flesh easing the pain. I the avenger of right have avenged his eye. I say let it be that there is no repulse to me. Make thou for me ways all prosperous before thee. Grant ye that may the sight of Ra make me triumphant.
Rise thou up. Conquer thou O Isis. Lady of Heaven, mistress of the world, Lady of mortals, Lady of the altar, Beloved of every God, destroyer of the enemies of the still heart. Grant that I may be with you every day.I have come to thee and my heart possesseth right and truth. Not is there sin in my body, not have I spoken lies with knowledge, not have I acted with a double motive. Grant thou to me a coming forth in the presence at the altar of the Lords of right and truth, not being driven away my soul from the sight of the disk forever.
Anet hra’k Aset em sexem-k em user-k Mut neb ba-ã em Ta. Ɵes-tu rer-k Pet rer-k Ta. I-nã xer-k Aset tua-a tu ari-nã sexem ap-nã uat. Seśet-nã maat en Ausar nef. Pekas-nã nesp semet’em men. Net maãt net-nã maat-f. T’et-nã xeper an xesef er-ã. Ãri-nek nã uat neb nefert xer-k. Mã-ten maa Ra ãri-nã maãxeru.
Ɵes-tu sexem-k Aset. Nebt Pet, hent taui, nebt tememet, nebt xaut, smert neter neb, het’et xeft nu urt ãb. Ãmmã un-nã hena-ten hru neb. I-nã xer-k ãb-ã xen maãt ãn ãsf em xat-ã, ãn t’et-ã ker em rex, ãn ãri-ã sep sen tã-k nã per embah her xaut nebu maãt, ãn śentu ba-ã maa ãƟen t’etta
Protection from enemies and prosperity 21 April 2025
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Those of you who have read all my blogs will know that I consider myself a white witch and that I have been healing people since 2014 quite successfully. They would also know that I first dreamt of the ancient Egyptian rites before I found out through google what they actually were and was able to use some of those wordings in prayers and spells. Since I actually bought the Egyptian Book of the Dead, I have re-arranged the rites to include a first prayer which I used upon myself yesterday – quite successfully I think.
Today I have derived a new prayer where I subject myself to the protection of Isis and Ra so as to be safeguarded against my ill-wishers and request of Isis to join her strength to that of Ra (by sitting next to him) and grant me prosperity that flows before them. After publishing this prayer, I shall also recite it a large number of times and see the outcome. I will of course also continue to read the book and seek more knowledge as well as more ways to use the rites for a positive outcome within the living. Here is the second prayer and I am also including some nice Egyptian music I was listening to.
The Book of the Dead can serve the Living 20 April 2025
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I first encountered the Egyptian rites within dreams when I was living in Dubai and words that actually represented these rites came into my dreams and then lingered during daytime. I started noting down all that was coming to my mind and then used them quite often in my blogging after I googled some of the words and realised that these were ancient Egyptian words, some of which were derived from the Egyptian Book of the Dead.
At the same time I was experimenting with these rites, I was also learning how to heal myself and others using the energy present in the Universe (I first started out with pranic healing in 2017 and then recently became a Reiki Master in 2024). I found out that some of the rites actually increased energy levels to incredible heights and some of the levels were not fully sustainable by our human bodies, most likely because they were meant to be directed towards our higher consciousness.
This past week, I decided to actually purchase the Book of the Dead in order to experiment with it until I could derive spells (those of you who have read all my blogs will know that I consider myself a white witch) that could harness levels of energy for healing that would be sustainable by the human body yet be linked with our higher consciousness. It seemed to me that fully comprehending the rites and re-forming them to make them apply to the living by adding some words or removing others would be a good basis for healing spells. I am at the beginning of this journey of discovery and will obviously only use myself as test subject.
After some initial trials, I realised that one good possibility to harness spiked energy levels would be to put myself as test subject under the protection of the Gods of Egypt (sit among the Gods) while at the same time working towards making my oversoul connect with my Earthen consciousness. I am still at the beginning of the book and it holds many secrets which I yearn to discover quickly but I know I will have to be patient as I must take care of my daily tasks such as my job and all the other things I do. My first trial at my ambitious task is reproduced in the below recording. As and when I combine different portions of rites from various parts of the book, I will publish the resulting recording.
When you are into healing (whether the planet, people, yourself or other sentient beings), there comes a time in your life when the concept of having a great time out with friends bears not much of a sense to you anymore. It is not that you don’t like your friends anymore or don’t want to be with them, it is just that the concept of “hanging out” as perceived by your friends bears no kinship with the meaning of having a good time as you envision it.
This is not something that I have always been experiencing as there was a time when I would not mind “hanging out” with friends (both male and female) and being silly and having fun. I still don’t mind having fun but the awkwardness that has crept into this having fun where people find it necessary to plaster their facebook, Instagram, tiktok or other more physical walls with stills or videos of them screaming, gesticulating or performing other wild actions and voice streams just does not appeal to me anymore – if it ever had really appealed to me. I also tire of some whose narcissistic display goes beyond conveying just a photo of them feeling happy but includes several videos of face and increasingly naked body shots of themselves with different kinds of music. Result is unfollow, unfollow, unfollow…
Beyond that slight growing distaste of the splashing of these sometimes crude moments (I have seen some displaying the main character throw up repeatedly to the chorus of her friends laughing) for others to see as if they would not be satisfactory in and of themselves but would only take on meaning if others were to look at them and enjoy them, endorsing this enjoyment by a like applied to this display, I realised that I was growing tired of this whole type of exterior itself. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind people sharing nice moments when they are happy or landscapes of where they have been and I too take photos that I post on Instagram or facebook but they don’t go beyond conveying this positive message. The almost fake screaming and going wild to compete with other streams where people seem wild has just become too much of drama to bear, especially when I compared it to the seemingly endless suffering of other human beings in distress whether because of war, hunger, both or other reasons.
I started slowly realising that I not only don’t enjoy these crude or sad messages anymore but I simply feel the need to withdraw from these manifestations of an overwhelming desire to appear to have fun – for the sake of the camera – and forget the fun itself. Unfollow.. unfollow… The resulting stream on facebook and Instagram is mainly of my extended family, some good friends and some meaningful videos put together by organisations that want to convey a message.
Nowadays, I mostly enjoy actual artsy moments with people singing, dancing or drawing/painting and most of all, I enjoy watching children having fun on and off camera. The view of nature (whether landscapes, birds or animals) also appeals to me far more than the forced enjoyment of human beings. I find that in my life as well, I interact more and more with children and nature and my only interactions with older human beings are for my daily work, the times when I go to the gym and of course when I walk outside or heal people.
My healing of people would have become all-encompassing if I did not have a daily job. I feel compelled to do it and am so much happier when I can dedicate my time to healing others, myself and Mother Earth. It is sometimes so strong that when I merely think of healing somebody else and have not yet started the healing, that person would send me a message saying they feel so much better. I wonder whether it is the placebo effect or the fact that with the strong intention being outside of time, the effect was already manifesting itself before I had begun (a quantum level of healing).
Plunging into this healing world and my inner thoughts, meditation and awareness has made me distance myself more and more from the outer world. It is as if that world were disappearing into a great void, a black hole yet at the same time it burns as bright as an enormous flame. I sometimes wonder whether I would open my eyes and see that there was nothing around anymore, just emptiness and a new world rebuilding, much better than it was. Then I open my eyes and see more killing, more pain, more fear and again gear myself towards healing, inward, outward, all-encompassing. I heal and I keep my faith in human beings because before some wound or a cumulative array of wounds forced them into a warped sense of adulthood that lost the inner child, they were children too.
This weekend I attended my reiki level one course. Those who know me are aware that I do pranic healing after having taken successfully the 5 levels of pranic healing courses at the Grand Master Choa Kok Sui centre in Dubai. I have been doing pranic healing since 2017 after having initially started doing energy healing in 2013. I wasn’t sure what to expect with reiki but had heard a lot of good things about it. The course surpassed anything I could expect and was given by a young enthusiastic and knowledgeable lady, Justine Nolan, who was very communicative and empathetic. She did the first level attunement in four stages and this worked really well rather than having just one attunement for level one. Already after the first attunement, I was able to connect to reiki and feel it flow through my body.
The process with reiki was very different from what I had experienced with pranic healing. In pranic healing for example, every practice starts with prayers to a number of entities that included God, our angelic guides, our Masters, including those ascended, our teachers, etc. With reiki healing, all that was required was to go through a process called dry brush before the gassho meditative pose, enabling us to request reiki to flow through us. One other salient feature that I found interesting is that the practitioner in reiki is a recipient through which reiki flows for the benefit of the patient and does not alter the outcome of where reiki flows and how it does so while in pranic healing the practitioner can flow prana to one region instead of the other. Given this difference in control, the practitioner in reiki healing cannot harm the patient inadvertently while in pranic healing, if the practitioner charges too much a certain chakra or too little, the outcome of the session changes considerably. I also liked the fact that unlike with pranic healing where we use a device to get rid of the diseased energy (bowl of water with salt or burning with thought), reiki does not contain the notion of contamination and therefore there is no “diseased energy” to get rid of. There is only the sharing of reiki and no fear related reactions are attached to this sharing of energy.
There are other differences in dealing with the chakras, but I will keep them for later, after I have attended reiki level 2 in July and finally the master level course some months after that. In the meantime, if any of you want to share reiki, feel free to drop me an email and I will see if it is possible to accommodate your request.
For those of you who have read my blog titled Spiritual progression and Aura report, you would know about the evolution of my aura during the journey of healing I am going through. I had not mentioned in that blog, though, the way I came to the journey of healing. It is something that does not seem probable when you know the life journey I had been upon which was mainly taking care of my family and working in the financial services industry to cater for my family’s needs. Such a life seemed really far away from anything esoteric in nature and definitely away from myself bein g capable to heal others.
Going back in time around 2013, I would like to explain how this journey of healing was brought about on me. Suffice to say that my father was living in an old people’s home in India, had experienced several heart failures and was left with triple vessel block in the arteries around the heart. He had lost usage of his feet so was carried to the toilet and had to also be carried and given a shower. He was unable to eat on his own so was spoon-fed. The director of the home called my sister and myself and asked us to take him home so he could die in peace. The prognostic on his life was at most three weeks. As I was the closest to India, living in Dubai, I volunteered for this undertaking and had him brought to Dubai. During the first week he was with me, I was constantly with him and kept his hands in my hands. I slowly noticed a betterment until he was able to have a shower on his own the first week, able to eat and go to toilet on his own the second week and able to walk about the house by the third week. In less than two months, he was able to walk around the house, around the garden and go up and down the stairs as well as cook himself some foods. It was like a miracle and my father not only survived that year but lives till now in 2023 and is able to walk about and eat on his own.
After that unplanned healing, I went about learning about healing, mainly pranic healing (prana or energy within the Universe – in the sun, on trees, in the Earth, etc) with the GMCKS centre in Dubai. To date, I have healed around 40 people in Dubai and 10 people in the UK and it has been a journey of self-discovery and evolution. From the initial stages of pure pranic healing according to the GMCKS rites to the current stage of healing which is a mix of pranic healing, crystal healing, herb healing, bach remedies healing and what I have coined as frequency healing, I have always been able to discover much of the person I was healing as well as of myself. An important factor of my healing is that it is based on truthfulness and respect and gives forth healing not just to the person I heal but also to me. Time and time again, I have initiated the healing, requesting the help of a number of spiritual allies and ended up with a completely healed person (most of the time) as well as with myself extremely energized. For those that had more difficult ailments though, it took several sessions in order to heal them completely.
When I speak of frequency healing, the idea is to synchronize with the person to heal, to try to guess the frequencies that the person would respond to best and to then choose amongst existing songs or instrumental pieces the ones that would contain the maximum frequencies desired. These would merge with the person’s frequencies and, by resonance, heal them with the blend into new beneficial frequencies, leaving a harmonious body at the end of the blending. Once the best pieces found, the energizing of chakras is followed by playing those pieces while invoking either the God or Goddess avatar to request them to distribute the frequencies evenly within the body of the person. The choice of the God and Goddess avatars would be either from within my field of belief or the person’s field of belief if the frequencies chosen corresponded to that person’s culture. The effect of going through these frequencies as a vector applied to inhaling those frequencies and requesting the help of the God/Goddess avatars, increased manifold the level of my own energy while healing remnants of problems within the person’s body. When the God/Goddess avatars were not from my belief system, it broadened my horizons and left me with a desire to discover not only that person’s belief system but also their culture and language.
From the journey of healing that started in 2013-2014 to today, there has been much progress made and what makes me hopeful is that I know there will be much more progress to make. I am now on the journey of understanding properly the usage of herbs and crystals as well as working more with essential oils and spells, in order to reach a holistic level of healing that will be all encompassing. I know that every move forward will open a new door so that the healing reaches its highest level on Earth and I may dedicate the remainder of my lifetime to learning new ways of healing, such as full Egyptian magic, to incorporate within what I already have and make these ways of healing available to a larger part of the population. So mote it be.
Ancient Egyptian Healing prayer:
Her skin felt a burn
A thousand suns flared within
Ancient tattoos writhed
Blisters wrote on skin
a story of a lifetime
wrapped within gray folds
Darkness was conquered
The old adage came to light
New Order commenced
A flash of moonlight
Illuminated her eyes
Sun’s flames wrestled moon
Tired men kept watch
The battle was an emblem
Olden moon beat sun
Sun flickered dying
The children came to New Age
of innocence lost
Reading of the poem:
ILLENIUM - Crawl Outta Love (feat. Annika Wells)
Written in the context of Ronovan writes weekly Haiku Poetry prompt challenge using the words “burn”, “old” and their synonyms. For more information and to see the contributions please follow the link below:
The winds carried me
delicate wings fluttering
in ascent of skies
Dark clouds gathered tight
In graceful touch of the night
while the moons surged sleek
The days’ rise upturned
sunlit landscapes glittered white
The tides washed the beach
Sparkling sugar straits
reflections of sandy slopes
swell under the sun
Bright eyes stretch inwards
gathering the suns rays’ kiss
irises spotless
The sea progresses
my body in solemn vow
meets dizzy waves’ pull
Reading of the poem
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