When I failed you

When I failed you

1 November 2018

fly -hd-wallpapers com
Courtesy hd-wallpapers.com

 

My love,

It is not often that I am at a loss for words as words are usually all that I have. I realised though that the ocean between us has made it difficult to communicate so I thought I should write what I feel. Perhaps you will read this one day or perhaps you are reading it just as I post it. I am not even sure that I will post it or that there will ever be a mailman to carry such a terrible weight of unrequited love and loss. There are places no human can go, not even in the mind. There are places that are better left to the domain of the untouched. There are places where my mind hovers in between disbelief and grief.

Do you remember the beginning ? Neither of us had questioned then the essence of what we shared. The unbearable lightness of your touch that grew into a lingering and then intense shared ecstasy. When I am alone, I revel in the memory of that touch, soothing and intense all at once. When I am alone, I feel your presence again lurking in the corners of my grief-stricken mind. When I am alone, I know that you will always be there if not in body then at least in soul. I know it is only the physical form of you that I have lost but even this weighs upon my heart filling me with a yearning that cannot be placated.

I tread often the winding path of broken memories trying to retrace how we got to this point of no return. I know that you had placed so much faith in my reaching the limits of the known and pushing beyond them to open the gates to the unknown. It was not just an esoteric experience, it was a matter of testing whether we were ready or not for the next stage. I know you placed so much faith in my abilities that you had been testing. So much was in stake and yet, despite all my love for you, I failed you. I remember you telling me that when you love someone you would do anything to be with them. I did everything I possibly could but yet I failed you and you vanished from my life.

There are days when the weather is mild and a soft breeze caresses my face startling me into the thought that you might be back, that if I open my eyes you would be there smiling at me again. Then I commit the mistake of actually opening them into the void of your absence. I sigh but at the same time feel your presence in your absence. It is like your absence negates itself because of the strength of the memories you left and the lingering presence of your soul that remains imprinted upon mine. Then there are days when all I wish for is for the sun to never rise again so that I may close my eyes to never open them again on a world where I can no longer see your smile.

When I think of it, it looked like such an easy test to know oneself and to act upon that knowledge. Little did I know that our human frailty blinds us to our true selves and that even when we think we know ourselves we are never able to really act upon that knowledge to the fullest extent required if our knowledge of ourselves is even slightly incomplete. You were expecting me to spread my wings and fly but I only saw them as a paper thin parchment, a relic of a past glory that would never be resumed. I tried to fly but was weighed down by the extent of my disbelief after a brief instant of taking off. In that fleeting moment of flight, I saw what it was like to be truly free.

Al Ghazali said « Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul which sometimes helps me and sometimes opposes me ». I never knew how right that quote was before my soul got entangled with yours and I was made to test the boundaries of my own limitations while my soul urged me onward, beyond the unthinkable. I never knew that the contentment I once derived from living a simple life would be erased by the smouldering memories of the time we shared together. I never knew that I would live to see a day where I would be without you in my life.

Today, I look upon those moments of our shared hope with the unflinching eye of sobriety. Yet my sobriety hurts me like that of a perpetually drunken sailor would if he were to stop drinking all at once. My withdrawal symptoms are not visible to the world, they are etched in my heart and mind where I shiver alone, shaking with the grief of your loss. I live my life in a fever-clad nightmare tossing and turning in my mind, yearning to relive that shared hope once more. I live my life in the unhappily pregnant moment of realisation that I failed you.

A million gaps compose my essence now making it impossible for me to be whole again. When you were there, you were the matter between my gaps binding me together and allowing me to move around in the world with a sense of purpose. All purpose disappeared when I failed you. I keep repeating to myself that in another life we will be together again but that litany does nothing to thwart the agony of your absence. I move from one paradoxical situation to another not sure whether I should laugh or cry or perhaps do both at once to finally relieve the perpetual tension that my heart relives.

One day, I will have grown strong enough to pass your test. I know now that there is no turning back from that test. Once started, it must be completed. I know that the day will come and even if you are no longer around to watch me do it, I will fly. I have chosen the spot and the time of the year. It will be at the peak of the Mount Kailash and just before the snow starts melting. I will gather my strength, my memories of you and of our time together and I will spread out my wings and fly. The wind will echo through my outstretched wings and the snow will carry my shadow to its destiny.

The next spring, the letter is found by her mother who cries at the thought of the agony her daughter went through without a soul knowing about it. Her daughter had never returned from her trip to the Mount Kailash. Nobody knows what happened as a body was never found. Perhaps she had finally been able to fly away to a better world in her own way. Perhaps one day her body would be found under a heap of snow. Perhaps she had decided to go on a very long trip elsewhere without telling anyone where she was going.

The mother raises the letter to her lips and closes her eyes. Behind her eyelids she can clearly see the image of her daughter flying against the backdrop of the beautiful Mount Kailash. A tear rolls from her cheek and falls on the letter causing the ink to blot. The blot looks like the peak of a snowy mountain. The mother slowly opens her eyes and seeing the blot smiles a wane smile. It is like a message from her daughter telling her that everything is alright and that she is indeed flying, high above the Mount Kailash, her faith in herself and her knowledge of herself at their peak.

 

O Fly On – Coldplay

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvoWL5Aq90w

Phoenix Flying 15: On the nature of duality

Phoenix Flying 15: On the nature of duality

7 July 2017

duality closer to the ennemy inside of me chelsie blanc
Courtesy Chelsie Blanc

Mama Jain felt a momentary rush of repulsion and excitement go through her frame as she felt the smooth coldness of the touch of the preternatural being she was touching and that she knew intuitively was actually her. She pondered upon the fact that every new discovery, even of what the mind tricked into believing it was new while it was old, always seemed to lead to a brief intermingling of two antagonistic impulsions within one’s being, each of them inspired by a diametrically opposed set of emotions. While reflecting on this and slowly relaxing against the coldness of the palm in front of her, she could feel it subtly warm against her own outstretched palm and she could feel the tingling of the nerves in the palm facing her while she slowly felt herself travelling up a chain of constricted vessels that seemed to be a bloodstream. On she journeyed, into the red that swayed up until the end of the upward waterfall where she could see a throbbing blue red door suspended between streaks of light that glistened with crystalline dewdrops.

As Mama Jain had journeyed through the channels that sometimes dilated and sometimes constricted but always in a winding motion whether round or squared, she then fully realised that the solution to the age-old squared circle problem was by essence multidimensional, a quantum concept like the flowing of time was in reality, a chaos model in the multiverse. Like it was the case of the feeling of being constricted or dilated, the commanding of the passage from one to another a simple matter of perspective, of vantage point, inner, outer.

Mama Jain felt herself come to a halt just at the brink of the door which she realised was actually her own heart that kept beating and throbbing pouring out red and blue depending on which side the flow had made her drift. She swirled in the pools of red and blue at the measure of the heartbeats and could feel herself slowly overcome by a great feeling of peace that pervaded her every atom. She realised deeply that the Theory of Everything was indeed Love. It was not necessarily the concept of romantic love although that too played a very important part in the composition of the energetic field that she knew propelled and sucked everything as she had experienced it during her journeys outwards. She saw further that the Theory of Everything was the unifying frequency that built upon the weightless measure of things when they were all vibrating together causing all of them to have the same scale when looked at from an observation point where they could all be viewed as one-dimensional despite them being multi-dimensional.

Mama Jain could see in the shadows cast by the crystalline drops at the top of the red blue door a myriad of shades of purple that were differentiated by the quantity of light that fell upon them. It then occurred to her that if there were no shadows, then one could not actually perceive the light as there would be nothing to contrast it and differentiate it, therefore giving a meaning to its existence. Mama Jain realised that in some way, the light owed its existence to the darkness and the other way around so one could not exist without the presence of the other. Mama Jain could feel her being fill with the understanding that all things were one thing and its opposite at the same time and what was perceived depended merely on the vantage point with the unifying perspective being the unifying frequency of love that beat in the heart of all things Earth-bound, stellar or interstellar. She had felt intuitively that when she journeyed outwards to far away lands the frequency that unified her with her external circumstances caused her to dilate to a size commensurate to the interaction required with the beings existing outside of her. It was all truly a matter of scalability which was carefully measured and reshaped according to the unifying frequency of Love.

While the fact that a being could be one thing and its opposite at the same time could seem irreconcilable, Mama Jain realised that it was very akin to what happened during her meditation as her mind danced with the stars while her body was still on the ground and her heart pulsated within the center of the multiverse for she was etheric, dilated and immense among the stars but at the same time finite, physical and limited within her frame on Earth. It was during the peak of those moments of total synchronicity, when her heart and mind had reached the point of resonance where both beings could exist and be one at the same time that she could connect to grid of all things through the heartpath and bend all matter and lack of it thereof into new forms of being.

Mama Jain surmised that for the new forms to be seen, one must see them through the heart, the new eye of the mind which allowed the retina to see what she knew was the quantum world through a tiny lense that lead to the pathway of the breath. It occurred to her then that words, pulsating through breath caused the motion in stillness of the air within bringing forth a series of emotions in her and therefore aligning words in a certain pattern and diffusing them into the ether outside would cause motion in the stillness of the infinite air outside and cause a similar series of emotions although of a different scale altogether. Embued with that knowledge, Mama Jain set about sharing a string of words infused with a frequency translating the impulse of breath that she felt inside when joining together the words and sat back to observe the effect they would cause.

As the experiences multiplied, Mama Jain noted that while some felt a sense of exhilaration at some of the words, others only felt in them sadness and a sense of foreboding. She then realised that even words, even breath pulsating through the ether could be perceived as one thing or its opposite because they were perceived from different vantage points. Mama Jain wondered whether it was the breath and the words themselves that contained the duality or whether it was the readers with their minds that expressed that duality and she realised that it was difficult to say whether it was the one or the other. In order to check whether it was the breath, Mama Jain traveled to different points of her country first staying at the level of the sea and then driving into mountains and experimenting the effect of the frequencies intermingled with the words and the result she had was quite surprising. She realised that even within her own being, both the breath and the frequency seemed to take on a whole new meaning and a whole new set of emotions depending on whether she was at sea level or in the mountains.

Mama Jain was not sure what to do with this new finding that she had never suspected before. She wondered whether she could call upon bluebird so that they could analyse the data pertaining to several individuals and see whether there was a difference in the perception of the same thing depending on the distance from the Earth but bluebird was sitting mum and not keen on assisting her these days. She thought to herself with a chuckle that she ought to go to the moon and see if the frequency and the dynamised breath had the same effect or whether they would feel even lighter there. Meanwhile, she would have to try to find a way to go deeper into the analysis of this new finding which was that the nature of duality was embedded within every individual being and the way one thing was viewed by the same individual varied depending on the location of that individual comparatively to Earth which center sucked the individual being. Mama Jain wondered whether the way everything was viewed would keep changing depending upon the new center as defined by the location of the individual.

Looking back at her hand through which she had emerged again both from her thoughts and from the bloodstream that she had been floating through, Mama Jain waved it in a twirling motion and it was once facing her backwards and once frontwards. She thought to herself that if she were to wave infinitely fast and see it when she was out of her body like before, the hand would probably be a flower composed of infinite juxtapositions of a frontwards and backwards hand and one would not be able to say which was frontwards and which was backwards. Mama Jain thought that it would be interesting to twirl time very quickly and see whether one would randomly find oneself in the forward time or in the backward time or whether one would actually not be able to distinguish anymore which was forward and which was backward.

 

Eye of the Storm

Still waters – Maksim Mrvica

 

Love the greatest choice

Love the greatest choice

8 September 2015

love ink361 com
Courtesy ink361.com

 

A Heart chooses Heart

In a world where derision

Is erected flag

 

Life can be silly

Life can be a tragedy

Life can be witty

 

Love flies own colours

It heeds not the dark of day

Forever rides bright

 

Breathe I, breathe he?

Single lung within to share

The rasping of Time

 

Choices we do make

Unbeknownst to rolling stones

Gravity helps fly

 

Look upon mountain

The tilt in your heart provides

Smooth clean downward slopes

 

Breathe in then breathe out

My blood anew I will grant

In the name of Love

.

love superhumanos net
Courtesy superhumanos.net

 

Sacred is in move

I will walk to your valley

Pray meet me ahead

 

Within or without

I will never bend to fear

None to sacrifice

 

Breathe he, breathe we?

Single Air within to bare

Purified by HeArt

 

Choices we do make

Unbeknownst to loving souls

Regret kills all joy

 

Life can be comic

To strip your heart off your smile

To dispel magic

 

When all spells are cast

Magic can only usher

Love the greatest choice

 

A Heart chooses Heart

In new World where only Love

Is ignited flag

.

love 411posters com android-jones-electric-love
Courtesy 411posters.com Android Jones Electric Love
love pleasurable birthing rainbow-light-earth-1-e1394726376687
Courtesy pleasurablebirthing.com

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UD765m_8hg

I flew to the chalk mountain

I flew to the chalk mountain

18 July 2015

yemen 9 voyageforum com
Courtesy Voyageforum.com

  

Desert sand piled smooth

Into horizons stacked still

Call to yesterday

Ring tone of memory box

Unwinds in body of clay

Eyes strayed in yellow

Traces of glory past swayed

To tunes forgotten

A music played in my soul

Humming to spirits unbound

Coils of time swirled

Memory corrected wrong

Darkness settled in

Doom overcame the righteous

Falling in love of the throng

Kings walked in valley

Where shadows never met soul

All but one in line

Irrepressible free bird

I flew to the chalk mountain

yemen 1 pinterest com
Courtesy Pinterest.com

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNZKFb8g14g